Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we pick a famous personality and throw fake questions at him/her and in return, we receive fake answers. Why should you not take it seriously? Because it is fake.
If you still didn’t get it: This is a fake interview written purely on the basis of the author’s imagination of how the actual interview would have been if we got the chance to interview these famous (some, for all the wrong reasons) personalities in real life. In short, just have a good laugh!
ED Times: Hey, everyone! Welcome to another episode of Fake Friendly Fridays, where we interview anyone and everyone that you can think of and that is not an overstatement. Honestly so because under normal circumstances we would not have been able to land our special guest today.
Thus, today we have before us a very special guest. India’s numero uno buddy and Joe Biden’s living nightmare, who also commits human rights violations seasonally; Vladimir Putin!
Vladimir Putin: Hello, everyone, I am Vladimir Putin, the Kremlin
Putin looks at the interviewer
But you, young man, can call me Young Vlad. I am trying to get into the rapping scene so, after Ukraine, I’ll probably drop bombs in Detroit with my homie, Dr. Dre.
ED Times: That is a fairly interesting idea you have there. What a strange world we live in where state leaders would love to take on the hip-hop scene. Either way, I would like to ask you about a ton of things but specifically, it will be about Ukraine. We know how much you absolutely love Zelensky already, don’t we?
Putin (smiling slyly): Honestly, you can ask me about whatever you want but if I don’t like your questions, always remember that identity theft might not be a joke but a disappearance act is.
ED Times (nervous chuckles): You have a very dry sense of humour, Mr. Putin.
The interviewer clears his throat and continues warily.
So, I was actually curious about a certain situation that has grappled your country in the form of the Western powers initiating economic sanctions against your state. How have you been coping with the entire scenario?
Putin (blows raspberries): It doesn’t really worry me as such.
ED Times (evidently confused): Wait, for real?
Putin: Pretty “for real”. Let me elaborate, as you know, we have already stopped the usage of the US Dollar as forex and our Ruble is no longer weighed up against the dollar. We measure our currency’s worth against gold now. Thus, if you want to do business with us then pay us in gold or ruble; and when it comes to gold, it is one commodity where you incur no losses, baby.
ED Times: Wow, I am surprised, honestly. You did think everything through, didn’t you?
Putin (with an air of victory): What can I say, it comes with the job. You have got to be on your feet all the time, otherwise, some CIA bugger might just swoop down and try to murder you.
Putin points towards the right of the stage where we can see a man on his knees with a blindfold on.
Like that guy. (laughs maniacally)
ED Times (astonished): I really did not wake up today expecting to see a full-blown spy thriller. I have only you to thank for this and an appointment with the therapist.
The interviewer hurriedly fumbles for his notepad.
Anyway, let us continue, we get sidetracked quite a bit here for the weirdest of reasons. SO, very recently you stated that the only reason the peace talks are being bypassed is because of Volodymyr Zelensky. The President of Ukraine?
ED Times: And?
Putin (furious): And what? Guy thinks he can get away with everything. He has the NATO nations in his corner with the USA but he still doesn’t understand what he wants. On one hand, he calls me up at midnight and says, “Vlad, bro, I think we shouldn’t fight anymore. Let’s sort it out in Budapest tomorrow.” Then, what does he do next week? Accuses me of committing war crimes. How do you begin peace talks with a man like this? I think Biden doesn’t trust this guy either.
Putin fumbles with a glass of water.
ED Times: That was pretty emotional. Are you okay, Young Vlad?
Putin: Do not call me that. Only my friends call me that.
ED Times: I’m sorry. But, wait, you have friends?!
Putin: Alright, that’s enough. The show’s over!
Indicates something with weird hand gestures to his security personnel who guide the audience out of the building
Putin: Why would you say that?
ED Times: I just…I’m so sorry, I have an entire family, please let me go!
Putin: Should have thought about it before.
Putin heaves a sigh
Would you like to be my friend?
ED Times (confused): What?
Putin: Yeah, would you like to?
ED Times: I guess.
Putin (places his hand around the interviewer’s shoulder): That’s great! Let’s get out of here and I’ll show the war room where we prepare another missile strike on Borodyanka, or Kyiv, whichever suits your fancy!
Putin exits with his newfound friend, the interviewer.
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Feature Image designed by Saudamini Seth
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This post is tagged under: Vladimir Putin, russia, ukraine, russia-ukraine war, zelensky, putin interview, ED interview of putin, nuclear war, invasion of ukraine, inhumane, world war 3, NATO, north Atlantic treaty organisation, murder, ruble, gold
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